This leaflet is not an instruction manual and you do not have to follow all the advice.

Confidence is about feeling happy with who we are, feeling we can do things and achieve what we want. Sometimes a health problem or visible difference can affect how you feel about yourself or how you think other people view you.

However, it’s important to remember that a health condition or visible difference is a very small part of you. Remember that you are an individual, made up of many different things.

What is confidence?

Being happy with yourself
Knowing your strength and weaknesses
Being positive
Talking with others and building relationships
Understanding your feelings
Setting goals

Being confident is not being big-headed. Being confident means understanding yourself and what you can do. We all have good and bad days and experience times when we are more or less confident. Confidence is about knowing this and believing in yourself when things do not go to plan.

Feeling good about yourself

It is important to know and like things about yourself. This is not the same as thinking that you are better than others. Knowing that you are good and loveable will help you to feel more confident.

This may sound a bit strange or even seem hard to do. When thinking about this, do not be too hard on yourself.

It is not something we often think about and so ideas might not jump to mind. We’ve included some tips to help you get started.

Tips

Keep a diary – Write down things you did and think about how these made other people feel. Many of these may be small things like, helping set the table, playing/getting along well with your sibling. However, it is likely that all these small things add up to big things to those around you.

Believing compliments – When we feel down, it can be very easy to think the compliments people give us are not true. Trusting that when people say nice things to us they mean it. Using a diary to write down compliments will help you to see that people have nice things to say about you.
Talking to ourselves – When our confidence is low, we are often unkind to ourselves. Try to catch yourself when you are thinking not very nice things about yourself and imagine what you would say to a friend. Often, we are kinder to our friends than ourselves. Direct these thoughts at yourself and be nicer to yourself.
Use kind messages – Say kind messages to yourself such as ‘my friends chat to me because they like me’ or ‘I work hard’. You need to believe in these messages for them to be helpful so think about them carefully. You could write them down and keep them in a safe place to look at when you would like to feel better about yourself or stick them up on your wall.
Comparison – Often, we compare ourselves to others around us. We are all different and unique, so we are never going to be like another person. Notice when you are comparing yourself to others and remind yourself of this. Uniqueness is something to be embraced and celebrated. Remember that what we see on social media and the internet is often edited or photoshopped.

Knowing yourself

It is important to know the areas in your life where you feel confident, and areas where you need help. This will help you feel more confident as you will know when you can do it yourself and when to get help.

Tips

Think about three things you are good at and three things you want to do better. You could use Post-It notes and stick them around your room as a reminder of your strengths and goals.
If something is hard, try to remember that nobody is good at everything, and that different people are good at different things. The world would be boring if everyone was good at the same thing! It is possible to practice something and get better at it.
Sit down with a parent/carer and look through photos from when you were little. This is a fun way of talking about events from when you were younger, including any operations or hospitals stays you may have had.
If you have a health condition, or a visible difference, it is important that you understand what this means. This will help if you are asked any questions related to your health condition or visible difference, which people may be curious about. Having an answer prepared may be useful and should stop further questions.

Positive thinking

If you can work towards improving your positivity, it can help you solve problems and remain confident, even when things do not go to plan.

Tips

Know that everyone is different and unique and that this is a good thing.
Learn from things you have done wrong. Mistakes are a great way to learn! Try to think why things may have gone wrong. Can you do things differently so that things go better next time?
At the end of each day, think about good things that happened. Maybe you could talk about these with friends or family.

Communication skills

Good communication skills help us get on with people and make sure our needs are met. It is important to remember we all have different styles of communication.

Tips

Practice different ways of communicating – This could be by keeping a diary, starting a blog, or writing some short stories. Writing is a way of letting others know what you are thinking. Images can also be a way to communicate and express our emotions. Different ways of communicating can help you know and express your own emotions and views.
It’s ok to say ‘no’ – People often feel they have to say ‘yes’ when being asked to do something they do not want to do. This can make people angry, sad and lower their confidence. Saying ‘no’ often does not upset people as long as this is said in a nice way.

Emotional control

Controlling emotions is something we all must do and is a skill to learn. This involves dealing with tricky emotions and being able to calm ourselves when upset or distressed.

It might be handy to know what causes certain emotions or that emotions are building up. This will give you confidence in dealing with tricky situations.

Tips

Talk about emotions – Think about people that you can talk to. This may be a family member/friend/teacher.
Knowing there are people who you can talk to about how you feel will help you manage tricky feelings and the impact they have.
Think about emotions and how they affect you
Learning the effects of different emotions will help you talk about them and relate them to what you have been through.
An emotions diary may be useful to track your mood and notice patterns in what has caused you to feel a certain way.
See ‘Helpful Resources’ for websites to learn more.

If you are feeling that an emotion is too much for you, you could consider this technique to help calm you. These are things which help you focus on the here and now:

5-4-3-2-1 Technique

What are 5 things you can see?

Look for small details such as a pattern on the ceiling, the way light reflects off a surface, or an object you never noticed.

What are 4 things you can feel?

Notice how clothes feel on your body, the sun on your skin, or the feeling of the chair you are sitting in. Pick up an object and examine what it feels like, and how heavy it is.

What are 3 things you can hear?

Pay attention to the sounds your mind has tuned out, such as a ticking clock, distant traffic or trees blowing in the wind.

What are 2 things you can smell?

Try to notice smells in the air around you, like an air freshener or freshly cut grass. You may also look for something around you which smells strong such as a flower or a candle.

What is 1 thing you can taste?

Carry chewing gum, sweets or a small snack. Pop one in your mouth and focus on the flavour.

Goals

It is helpful to set goals that you are working towards. This can be something small like wanting to do a trick on a skateboard or something bigger such as wanting to do something after you finish school. We all feel nervous or afraid to do things sometimes, especially when there is uncertainty. Achieving goals can help develop confidence.

Tips

Find the first step – It can be hard to work towards a big goal. The trick is to break it down into steps and mini goals. Find your first step and plan this first. Then plan for the next step once the first step is complete.

Things do not always go to plan – Sometimes we do not succeed with our goals and that can be really hard. The amazing thing about goals is that you choose them. Continue working bit by bit towards a goal or adapt goals if things are not going to plan.
Try not to focus all your efforts on one goal or feel too upset if a goal does not happen – there are plenty more.

Summary

We hope that it is helpful for you to have an idea of what makes up confidence and have some tips for building parts of your own confidence. It may be difficult reading through this information. You will probably have been doing some of these things already without even thinking about it.

Take from it the parts that you like, and think will be helpful and simply keep the rest in mind. Remember that the most important part of confidence is recognizing that you are a person who is loved by others. You are made up of many different parts of mind and body and what is unique about you is what makes you human.

Helpful resources

We have included links to some reading about increasing confidence:

Changing Faces

‘Changing Faces’ is a charity that offers resources and support to children and families who are living with conditions that affect their appearance. They can be contacted on 0207 391 9270 or through their website.

Mind

Mind has information about how to improve how you see yourself.

There is a section dedicated to young people including topics on ‘talking to friends and family’ and ‘your feelings’.

Young Minds

Young Minds is one of the UK’s leading charities campaigning for young people’s mental health. Their website includes information and guidance about common feelings and mental health conditions.

Contact

If you have any concerns, we ask you to get in touch with the Psychology in Healthcare service.

0191 282 4081

If you or your child requires urgent/crisis support please contact your GP or 111. You may also wish to support your child to call Child Line on 0800 1111 if this would be appropriate.

PALS (Patient Advice and Liaison Service) for help, advice and information about NHS services. You can contact them on freephone 0800 032 02 02, email [email protected].